** I wrote this in honor of Suicide Prevention Week. Suicide
and Mental Health Illnesses are real. They have probably affected every single
one of us on some level. I wrote this for those who fight to win, and those who
have lost the fight. You can’t tell another human being how strong or weak they are,
until you know the battles they endure behind closed doors.
I never set out to be a writer, but when I write, I set a
goal to connect with the reader.
And so it begins…
A dim lit light, problems on my mind, and a cell phone that's
tucked away for the night. I’m old
school, in that I still put words to the page with pen and a pad, and a light
mixed whiskey in my hand.
I’m a fighter. Discouraged by no trial. My mind was once my
enemy, but we’ve been friends for a while. There is no such thing as security,
until you can face the mirror and smile.
Memories swirling, of people I haven’t seen in a while.
Taken from us without our consent.
I am strong. I am a fighter. A lover. And a supporter with a
smile.
But sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't
feel so bright. So we fight, and we fear, and we smile, and we hide, and we lay
awake at night wishing it would all go away, but it stays, and it stings, and
it rings in our mind, and our hands shake, and our hearts hurt, and it burns,
and our mask wears thin, and we wonder if it's our turn, to close our eyes, and
get away, and stop the pain, from lasting another day. And sometimes the best
medicine is a hug, or a smile, or a talk that last for a while, a text or a
call, and a voice that cares.
And we lay awake at night, and we beg, for an infinity of simplicity, a mulligan from this complacency, but we're stuck in a bubble, of rubble, that wraps around us like wire, and chains that choke and restrict us, in cages like cattle, and packed into trucks, and driven crazy, while the wrath of our mind gets even for a while.
Can you see the intricacy and the intimacy of the problem that lives in me, if I didn't tell you I was broken, would you have known it if you didn't hear the words that I've spoken, and this is why the problem is invisible to the naked eye. The problem is invisible. To the naked eye.
And we lay awake at night, and we beg, for an infinity of simplicity, a mulligan from this complacency, but we're stuck in a bubble, of rubble, that wraps around us like wire, and chains that choke and restrict us, in cages like cattle, and packed into trucks, and driven crazy, while the wrath of our mind gets even for a while.
Can you see the intricacy and the intimacy of the problem that lives in me, if I didn't tell you I was broken, would you have known it if you didn't hear the words that I've spoken, and this is why the problem is invisible to the naked eye. The problem is invisible. To the naked eye.
I sit without complaining. Smiling at all those around me.
The park is my friend. Peaceful, when I ride my bike to this bench, and sit
with the wind to my face, hoping it will blow this problem from me, seeking the
sun to shine in me. Children with kites, parents with pride, but when I can’t
find myself, I ride and I hide.
And I ride, and I ride, and I ask why I have to turn around
and come back to this life. Subtle are
these moments to the witness, but they burn like a chemical fire inside. These park benches never hurt me, and they
offer the cover of solitude, while I catch a glimpse of the real world, as the
normal people pass by me, I smile back, to impersonate normalcy in me.
But sometimes my heart feels like stripped corn on the cob,
stacked out of line, my mind, rushing like a river, into a canyon where the sun
can’t shine. I don’t write to feel high, or low, I write to release the
pressure in my brain, cuz we aren’t all wired the same. Smiles are often lies,
but the outside world, has no idea what’s going on inside. It should be simple,
but we don’t all comprehend the same, genetics that twist and turn some of us
into the enemies or our own state of mind.
Some problems in this country haven’t been addressed, and
its left part of our population in a mess. Some problems are disguised and
aren’t always in plain sight. Friends and family that can’t see what feels so obvious
to me. Days that have no sunrise or sunset to me, they are plain, and the
people in them are incompatible to me.
Have you ever seen a smile that was a lie, have you ever
wondered, about the war behind the eyes. Have you ever looked past the happy
actor in your peers, have you ever wondered, about the battle and the tears,
and the scars, compiled through the years. How easy has it been for you,
because not all of us are wired the right way, the same way, the defects look
like all the others products, on the product line, but inside, they break and
cry. I don’t write for reaction, I don’t write for help. I write because
sometimes the spillway on the dam breaks, and all the fish come out.
Picture frames, that return blank stares in me, memories so
elite, I can’t access the guarded gate. The security of life, attacking the
insecurities in me. This isn’t ramble, this is raw, and its time our world
turns an eye, to the people broken inside. I didn’t ask to be different, but I
don’t want normal, the rollercoaster leaves me breathless at times. My mind
washes in, washes out, heavy moments, dull at times, but the elevation of this
tide is half the ride.
We pass by people every single day that smile, but are at
war inside. They don’t wear signs on their back, they wear masks on their face
that cover their hearts and eyes. Guards on their heart, and when you reach,
they rarely take a hand, because defeating what holds me back is everything to
me. Where are the people like me, why can’t they be next to me, why can’t I
hold hands with the people that understand what it’s like to feel like me, why
are they leaving me one at a time, why are they not getting the help they need,
why are they in chains, why do they bleed, and why do they have to take their lives, just to be freed.
If it’s not your problem, it’s not on your mind. If your
tree drops leaves in the neighbor’s backyard, it’s out of sight, out of mind,
but these slivers and splinters crack our hearts and minds, and they grow
inside. Turbulence that shakes me at night, when all I want is to sleep. The
biggest epidemic of our time is understanding the difference in your mind and
mine. I reach for someone that isn’t there, and I scream with a voice that is
mute to everyone around me. And so I breathe, and I breathe, and I know I am
the strongest person I know, and I’m tired now, but I can’t close my eyes.
Everyone that lives like me, is the strongest person I know,
but some of them… Just. Don’t. Know. They
are the silent warriors that just need a break. Tornadoes that touch down daily,
when they lay down at night and pray for sleep. My kind, my warriors, we live in a theme park,
with rollercoasters and rapid heartbeats, it’s just that we never get out. I
don’t want attention to me. But if I don’t scream these words to the world, the
people I love, that live like me, won’t get the help they need. I don’t write
for help, I write to bring attention to issues that are important to me.
Beautiful voices, that get pushed away, hearts that would
give forever, if someone real could help, in a real way. Beautiful flowers,
that deserve better, than to wither away, someone, somewhere, reading this has
tears and pain that won’t go away, they understand every word, I’ve put on this
page. I love you, and so do the people around you. They just DON’T understand,
that the machine you operate, just isn’t the same.
But I see your beauty, I know your truth, I admire your
strength, everyday... you wake up, and start all over again, climbing up the
hill, that’s in your way, and you know that hill, will never go away, yet you
fight, and you climb, but some of my people are giving up. These are not
cowards. These are warriors that I admire, not for the action they're taking, but for the pain they've been enduring, and they’re choosing to close the
last page of the book to get away. Most people cannot even begin to understand
the strength they have, to endure the pain, that has followed them this far.
You see the sun, and the blue skies, I see dragons with fire
balls swooping down on me. An obstacle course just to get through the day,
comprehension of a full day is just a little harder for me. It’s not that I
don’t try, it just feels like an immense amount of pressure weighing down on
me. Each year that passes, my own mind becomes a little more clouded to me. I
knew a long time ago my brain was wired a little differently. It was my senior
year in high school, when I started to notice it wasn’t working the right way
for me.
Simple things started to get harder for me. With each day
getting tougher, it took so much more out of me to get through each one okay.
Coordinating simple things became like a maize to me. I was having trouble
remembering things that should be common sense to me. Names, birthdays, and
memories I made with people close to me. My friends would tell a story and ask
me how could you not remember that, and it embarrassed me. I would watch a
movie with my friends, and two days later, the plot and events were unclear to
me. I had post-it notes around my house with my address and phone number
because I could not remember them on command. When I had company over, I had to
tear them all down, and when they left, start over again.
Reinforcing simple concepts made anxiety grow in me, I
didn’t know why this was happening to me. I didn’t want a pill from a doctor
handed to me, so I tried my best to adjust to living with me. Blank stares,
from a mind that wanders, as concentration escapes me. I used to think a smile
was a sign of trust, but now a smile is a sign of question for me. We program
our face to smile for the masses, while our insides attack us. Routine becomes
everything to us, and when we break that routine, we feel pockets of panic
creeping up to see, if we can make it through without exposing our handicap for
others to see. I try to do the same thing every day, because that makes my life
easier to manage for me.
Sometimes it feels like there is years on these days. I feel
fortunate to read this letter to you, because all too often these letters are
read by loved ones after it’s too late. This isn’t roulette, this is real. This
isn’t me being dramatic, it’s me screaming out on behalf of people not as
strong as me. This is an epidemic, and it will grow. We need doctors and
scientist to commit to this in a way we haven’t yet seen.
You can ask anyone that knows me, everywhere I go, I make
everyone hug me. I have a heart that’s bigger than the hunger in me. Emotions
that hold me hostage when I desire to have people close to me. I run, so that
no one has to deal with me. I’ve had the most amazing girlfriends any man could
ever ask for, yet here I am alone, and somehow, I knew it would be that way,
because it had to be.
Sometimes I close my eyes, and I dream of the life my
parents prepared me for. Hunger for success, love for all, are just a couple of
the seeds that were planted in me. I see feathers falling from the sky, as a
rate so slow, the power of eternity is on my side. I wonder where the years
went, and why my mind won’t work in unison with me. The slightest mist of rain
in the sky, with rainbows that promise a new start on every single day, green
grass fields, and cherry orchards where I hold hands with the woman that
finally understands me. Our minds are powerful, we are smart, we just can’t
coordinate everything the same. We are not weak, we are strong, our minds run
at the speed of processors so fast, that the technology has not even come along
yet.
This is not me complaining, every breath I take on every day
is so precious to me. This is simply me trying to draw a line of understanding
from the regular population to the people that have difficulties like me. We
come in peace, open hands, open minds, closed hearts to protect the problems in
me. We are a generation of silence, because we spend so much time coping with
our minds, fighting our fears, and trying to overcome this pain. If you know
someone that struggles mentally, open your heart, open your hands, open your
mind, and open your eyes.
Mental health is real. It’s a problem, and an issue that
hasn’t been addressed. We aren’t less than you, we aren’t defective, and we
aren’t dangerous. If you knew how many people around you dealt with this, it
would shock you. We live with the courage of a thousand soldiers, and the
gentleness of a thousand lovers. There are many misconceptions about mental
illness, and the population needs to be educated. There are far more dangerous
normal people, than people with mental ailments. Don’t be ignorant to the 99%
of amazing people with mental health issues, because of the 1% of dangerous
mental health citizens.
So where do we start? Where do we go from here? What can I
do to help? What can you do to help?
Reach out to the people around you. Whether you know them or
not. Be kind. Talk, not just with your mouth, but with your heart. Listen, not
just with your ears, but with your mind. Engage the people around you. Say hi
to a stranger, look them in the eyes. Trust the people around you, but more
importantly, be someone the people around you can trust.
At least once, every day, I think about where we are, as a
race. A human race. No distinction between color or creed. I wonder why the
animal in us judges the strength in those among us. Kindness, is infectious,
and it needs to spread. Designer purses, shoes, pants, and popularity make me
sick to my stomach. Fast cars, planes, and houses that we want to define who we
are. If everything was taken from us, our homes, our money, our clothes, and
our cars, if we were put together on an island as humans, what would connect
us…
If we were stripped of our societal rank, and we suddenly
all looked the same, would we remember we were cut from the same cloth, or
would we still find a way, to judge based on appearance and scars. We get so
caught up on who we want to be, that we forget who we are. One smile on one
day, one hello on a rainy day, could change a mind and save a life, but we’re
so busy chasing a road map to selfish happiness, that we truly forget who we
are. There are wars fought in minds every single day from people that you would
never suspect, whom are trying to figure out who they are.
If you want to live a wealthy and rich life, be kind.
Kindness and love are the most valuable currency on this planet. Man came from
nothing. A heart, a mind, and a body. No cars, no planes, no currency. No
jeans, no purses, and more courtesy. You can’t advance the human race, unless
you advance the human mind. I speak not of technology, but of love and being
kind. I speak of desire, to turn my head to the left, and to the right, and ask
questions to the people next to me. I ask that we stop looking straight ahead,
and start looking around, for the people holding hands out.
Stop loving things, and start loving people. Don’t bully,
belittle, or attack others. Support people for their strengths, and love them
for their flaws. Guide those who seek light, and comfort those who feel
darkness. Smile, at everyone you meet and everyone you pass. Be both a teacher,
and a student, every day of life. Pass knowledge, kindness, and love, to all
that surrounds you. Give abundantly of your heart, your mind, and your time. Lift people up, don’t break them. Love them, don’t
hate them. Don’t always take things for face value, dig a little deeper. Ask questions,
offer solutions. Give hugs, and support. Speak often, listen more. Touch hands,
hold hands, touch lives. Breathe with clarity, speak with conviction.
Get a pet, give a pet, learn unconditional love, through an
animal. If you can’t donate money. Donate time. Even if it’s to one person. Laugh,
and never lose your humor. Respect time spent, for it will never be given back,
Watch the sun rise, then take someone to watch the sun set. Hold doors open for
everyone, even if it puts you two spots back in line. Drink water, respect
water, and at least once, stand in the rain. Never forget someone who helped
you, and always make time to help others. Build goals, build character, break barriers,
not hearts. Slow down, look around, and take a road trip by yourself. Meditate often,
mediate problems, and never turn your back on someone who needs to talk.
And above all… love. Love out loud. Every chance you get.
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